Issue
9

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~~~~~~~ JESTERSAURUS ~~~~~~~
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The internet has made the home computer an indispensable appliance for the modern masses of the information age. At our impatiently beckoning call is a wealth of knowledge that would boggle the brains of the greatest minds of history. Among the endlessly varied ports of call one may explore in one's travels on the information superhighway, countless are those that are poised to pass on seeds of knowledge to germinate in nourishing, fertilizer-filled skulls.

Jestersaurus is not one of them.

Countless again, are those sites that bear fruitful journeys of boundless discovery by thoughtfully including links to other sites of related interests. Once again, Jestersaurus is not one of them.

In fact, within this malignant pustule of metastasizing electrons, it's hard to imagine a site that is more useless than Jestersaurus! But as any slouch-backed, desk chair-bound hermit can tell you, there are actually sites out there that are of less value than a sperm donation from a worthy heir to the title of Village Idiot, one who's renowned far and wide for his publicly performed self-castration with a nitrous-fueled mousetrap, as well as for his heredofamilially trademarked furunculous face. It makes us feel good to know there are sites of less value than ours, so not only will we link to these sites on occasion, but we'll sometimes even take the opportunity to publicly ridicule them for all (of you two or three) to see.

The idiot described above is one of the hosts of the site which we introduce for you this issue. That site is The Giant Progweed, a progressive rock review site. "The Giant Progweed": a clever hijacking of the similarly-titled Genesis song? Hardly. Actually, these brain-dead buffoons were semi-roused from their hallucinogenic reverie when they first discovered it:

[ ffffffft] Dewd, how'd they know we'd use this name someday?
[ffffffft] I dunno . . . Think we should sue?
[ffffffft] Yeah, OK [cough] . . . let's finish this first.
OK. [ffffffft]

A first class sign of a first class loser is the administration of a bannerless website that appeals to a "small niche". Not that The Giant Progweed was always bannerless: they had to take down a referral banner to Amazon.com because Amazon found it an embarrassment to be associated with a site that produced fewer hits than the "Mungo Jerry's Jugged on Bach" website [Editor's note: they've since put up a few irritating banners to try to make themselves feel relevant]. It's a wonder they managed to get a site up and running at all, but after they were convinced that megabytes had nothing to do with a pack of Rottweillers, up and running it was. It's been shockingly smooth sailing since, though the events of 9/11 almost brought them to a screeching halt when they decided to put an American flag up on the site. It caught fire when their display overheated, and they were run naked and flogged through town by a viscously patriotic lynch mob who had no intention of waiting for a flag-burning ban and the accompanying slap-on-the-wrist penalties.

Greg Northrup and Mike Prete are the faces behind the site, and let's hope to God they stay there.

Contrast that site with another web-based phenomenon: The Gagliarchives progressive rock radio show, which we'll grudgingly admit is not only useful, but it's gained enough respect to be considered for NPR syndication. THAT'S embarrassing. Tom Gagliardi, he of the silk-sewn voice, hosts the show once per week. Jestersaurus listens in with bitter disappointment as he waits for the Dubyalian gaff, but the Gagman refuses to oblige. So why's Jestersaurus Rex trying to associate himself with someone with even a modicum of respect? National fame of course! If Tom gets nationally syndicated by NPR, he'd best give us a bit of exposure lest he wants a size 1200EEEE dingily-bell slipper up his butt!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Section 1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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<>Of crying brain cracks.

<>The new Expose is hitting the mailboxes as we speak. It includes a feature interview with a famous prog artist, and as usual, Jestersaurus arranged a pre-interview as a special treat for our readers. Believe us folks; this is not to be missed! Additionally, the Expose feature interview will be presented in its glorious entire glory in this issue of Jestersaurus!

Jestersaurus Rex: First I'd like to thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to meet with me for this exciting interview!

Mystery Guest: My pleasure.

JR: Your new album is fantastic! But what really impresses me, and what I'd like to focus on a bit here, is how you manage to juggle so many projects at one time. So, um . . . how do you manage to juggle so many projects at one time?

MG: Well I wouldn't say I'm juggling THAT many projects at one time.

JR: Oh, I see, taking a bit of a break after having juggled so many projects at one time in the recent past, eh? OK, then let's get right to the music. I like the part on your new album that goes kinda like -- you know, everything's quiet and then the guitar comes in loud like DEEAIR-DEEAIR-DEEAIR, and then the drums start going B-D-D-D-D-D-D-- -DOOZSH!, and then everybody jumps in with the bass player going BUM-BABUM- BUMBUM! That was cool!

MG: Uh . . . okaaaaaay. I can't say that I really know what part you're talking about.

JR: Oh! Well then it goes DA-DAAAAH!, DOOVVV-

MG: --Please don't! You don't need to go on, really! To be honest with you, I really don't think there's anything like that on the album anyway.

JR: OK Neal, no problem. How about-

MG: OK WHO?

JR: OK Neal.

MG: I'm Toby.

JR: Toby? Toby who?

MG: Toby, from Maudlin of The Well.

JR: Maudlin of The who?

MG: The Well. Maudlin of The Well. We're being interviewed in the next issue of Expose.

JR: Oh . . . I thought you were Neal Morse.

MG: Neal Mor . . . Hmmm. So I take it you haven't heard our albums.

JR: Nope.

MG: I'm outta here you Paleozoic prick.

JR: Wanna spot me some promos?

[SLAM]
Geez, the guy sells a few records and he's gotta put on the moody artist routine. Oh well, here's the complete interview from Expose issue 24:

<>Maudlin of The Well Complete Interview<>      Maudlin of the Well Review Page

<> After Crying <>
<>So does posting this useless link in the utterly useless Jestersaurus cancel out the uselessness of the utterly useless Progweed's useless After Crying overview? Useless to ponder, I suppose. Our recommendation is don't bother, though that could be a useless recommendation.
After Crying

<> Archaia <>
"Little else you will ever encounter in this life or any other will singe your synapses or tattoo your brain quite like this." Eric Lumbleau

<>I think a couple of hicks from North Dakota would beg to differ. One minute they saw these really bright lights and the next minute they were being spirited off to a planet in Andromeda as test subjects for a humanoid biology class in a high school alien life studies program.
Archaia

<>Crack<>
" . . . classic symphonic progressive band of the highest order, probably heavily influenced by Italian greats like PFM or Locanda delle Fate. It is grandiose, orchestral, sweeping music with heavy classical flourishes, varied instrumentation and a dramatic flair." ?
Crack


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<>Pertains to harvesting scrotal icicles and wanking Progweed clowns with metal foreheads.

<>000<>
<>My goodness Eric, does your mother know what you do at night?
000

<> Acqua Fragile <>
<>Acqua Fragile's name was inspired by the infamous icicle that dangles miraculously from the crotch of the self-appointed doorman at the Vatican's Audience Hall. Despite the often-searing summer heat this "breakable water" is routinely exposed to, it hangs dripless from the old man's scrotum with the unmistakable likeness of Saint Dominic Savio, the patron saint of choir boys. Even though this year marks the jubilees of "King Cold Crotch", as well as Queen Elizabeth II, the Vatican was rudely rebuffed for its generous offer of sending the naked doorman to grace the entrance to Buckingham Palace for a change.
Acqua Fragile

<> Anand <>
<>Another Progweed review. So the guy isn't big on metal; kind of ironic for someone with a metal forehead.
Anand

<> Apoteosi <>
<>It's Italian, it's on Gnosis, and it RAWKS!
Apoteosi

<> Babylon <>
<>Genesis fanboy.
Babylon

<> Boredoms <>
" . . . this new Boredoms disc seems hell-bent on proffering the thesis that consistency truly is the bugaboo of small minds." Eric Lumbleau

<>Actually, it's reviews like this that are the bugaboo of small minds. My small mind is in a bugaboo of knots!
Boredoms

<> Cairo <>
" . . . very promising . . . complex . . . excellent instrumental sections with great dynamics and technical virtuosity . . . better than most . . . certainly one of the more assured, accessible prog acts around . . . approach the classic Italian 70s stuff . . . Recommended . . . " . . . " . . . accessible Asia/Saga/Pendragon . . . I was disappointed . . . bombastic neo-progressive style . . . lots of accessible vocals . . . I can't admit to liking this type of music a whole lot . . . sounds quite trite . . . " Hi, my name is Mike McLatchey and I suffer from schizoaffective disorder.
Cairo

<> Carol of Harvest <>
<>A disc full of harvest carols. Life must have sucked before the phonograph.
Carol of Harvest

<> Deyss <>
<>Gnosis has received criticisms of late for its raters not seriously considering neo- progressive. Let this review put the lie to that lie. Deyss' At-King was a watershed moment in the life of neo-progressive music; a peak which most bands dare not even attempt to conquer.
Deyss

<> The Frogg Cafe <>
<>The Frogg Cafe is well-known in New York City for its frog-based soups, entrees, pastries, and ice-creams. It's a favored dining destination for discriminating snakes, amphivors, and guests of the French consulate. Their primary claim to fame is their eschewing the common European Pool Frog/Marsh Frog hybrids in favor of the exotic Java Wart Frog, imported exclusively from the marshes and mangroves of Malaysia. If you're in the Big Apple and you'd like to leave an impression on a first date or a potential business client, an impression you will leave if you take them to The Frogg Cafe!
The Frogg Cafe

<> Greenslade <>
<>Alright. I'm getting tired of linking to reviews by these Progweed clowns. We are not amused.
Greenslade

<> Koenji Hyakkei <>
"I'm probably going out on a limb here, but from my vantage point, this is not only the most brilliant of all of the contemporary Japanese bands, but perhaps the greatest group currently operating in the world." Eric Lumbleau

<>I think Eric's limb just snapped.
Koenji Hyakkei

<> Land of Chocolate <>
<>Check out these recent grads of Willie Wanker's Chocolate Factory and Music School.
Land of Chocolate

<> Pain of Salvation <>
"I mean, I don't even care much for this particular avenue of melodic prog-metal . . . But there is something wonderfully insolent about how such a young band can combine such a wide variety of music under one umbrella." Mike McLatchey
Pain of Salvation

<> Species Being <>
"Another genre-defying release, Orgone Therepy encompasses a wide variety of styles, yet is comfortable in all facets. This one comes highly recommended." Mike Prete
Species Being

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Section 3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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<>The rest of the crap.











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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Letters~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dear Mr Jestersaurus,
I'm concerned about my son. All he seems to do is sit in front of the computer for days on end. I used to worry that he didn't seem to like girls, but heck, at this point I'd be happy if he'd show some interest in boys. Or sheep. Or anything to get him out of the house so my husband and I can retire without having to spend our social security on the little creep! I can't remember the last time he's had his hair cut, and his face never seems bearded or shaven. He's lost all interest in personal hygiene and he can flip an omelet with his fingernails, but worst of all, I don't think he's taken his sneakers off for 2 1/2 years. Should I go to Tough Love? Should I call the police? Should I insist he get a job?

Mrs Prete

Dear Mrs Prete,
With all due respect ma'am, your callous disregard for the welfare of your offspring is sad, if not sadistic. Tough Love? The Police? Get a JOB?! I haven't gotten the creeps like this since I saw Schindler's List.

<>JR<>

Dear Mr Jestersaurus,
So I guess homicide is out of the question too?

Mrs Northrup

Dear Mrs Northrup,
[Thinks of the long list of Progweed links] . . . Just out of curiosity: how many discs do you think your son owns?

<>Be famous! Write to Jestersaurus at jestersaurus@gnosis2000.net<>

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~Jestersaurus Peoples~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Mac Beaulieu ~ Wordsmithy and one-fingered typing
Mike McLatchey ~ Wordfixxy and hallucinatory guidance
Dirk Evans ~ Webplexxy and zymurgical studies of Belgium
Peter Thelen ~ Webfeety and histological studies of fruitcakes
Mike Prete ~ Webplexxy and nightly indulgence-induced apoplexy.

. . . and there was much rejoicing (hooray)

Gnosis Writers Staff
Expose Writers Staff 		     





Jestersaurus is a satirical newsletter published by The Gnosis Project. Jestersaurus uses invented names in some of its material. Exceptions include cases in which public figures and other individuals are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this newsletter-graphics, text and other elements-is copyright (c) The Gnosis Project, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Jestersaurus is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.