~~~~~~~ JESTERSAURUS ~~~~~~~

OK, it's Cards-On-The-Table-City, Arizona time: Jestersaurus Rex believes in God! That's right folks, pull up a pew and I'll tell you all about my moment of salvation.

Oftentimes a person is driven to divine faith by an experience of acute shock or trauma, and my case bears testimony to such phenomena. There I was, tooling around town in my Austin Mini when I let my guard down. I know where I need to duck my head to avoid obstacles hanging over the road, but I took a turn down a road where they were building a new pedestrian bridge. As I flew around the corner I was eyeing some hot babes who were obviously interested in some dinosaur love when *BAM!*, I slammed my head on a new "Low Overhang" sign. After a time, I found myself suspended in the air, floating above the grisly scene. In the midst of the ever-expanding pandemonium, I saw myself laying unconscious in the street surrounded by an EMS team that was arguing about where my heart might be. The chicks on the side of the road were still in the throes of sidesplitting laughter.

I turned around and found myself in a tunnel with a light at the end. Crawling on my hands and knees, I followed the light to the end where there was a fork in the road. On one side were a couple of signs introducing a barren landscape: one sign said "Welcome Sinners" and the other said "Turn Here For The Atheist Convention". I saw with relief that a beautifully ornate golden gate, shrouded in olive branches and pearl-white doves, flanked the other fork. But to my horror I saw a grinning Appollyon, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, holding a sign that said "No Fucking Dinosaurs Allowed!" My heart sank to my stomach and I decided my time had not yet come. I turned around and ran straight for my body and my life! Suddenly I found myself back in the street where an EMS guy was bashing my head on the ground and demanding that I give him a tip for saving my life.

The experience has certainly enhanced my appreciation for life and left many unanswered questions about death. So after I completed the 12 step program I called a psychic hotline and was assigned to a gypsy woman named Miss Esmerelda, Mistress of Lost Souls, Gatekeeper To The Beyond. She has an access center in the Big Y Shopping Plaza in Ludlow Massachusetts. I wanted to see for myself that this was all legit and on the level so I drove there in my new GMC Envoy, Gargantua Edition. I walked into her office and all the expected accouterments were there: burning candles, beaded curtains, a crystal ball, the Stone Hand of Ra, and a control pendant for entering your debit/credit card PIN. She specializes in numerology, channeling, tarot, runes, and used tissue-reading. Her claim to fame however is reading road kills. You simply squash a wild animal to pieces with your car and she reads its guts to view you past and future. There will undoubtedly be skeptics among you, but I must say that her accurate readings of my life and family histories were staggeringly eerie. They've convinced me of the existence of an afterlife, and more to the point, her vivid recounting of my past exploits has instilled in me a great fear of God.

Now that that's off my chest, let me get another issue of Jestersaurus out so I can get these Gnosis clowns off my back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Section 1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There is nothing better for man than to eat and drink and provide himself with good things by his labors. Even this I realized is from the hand of God." Ecclesiastes Chapter 2.

<> Charming Hostess <>
<>"Is this the Bittova and Fajt of the SF bay area?" This is the question that Mr Mike McLatchey leads his review of Charming Hostess' "Eat" with, and there is little doubt that the reader will be compelled to seek resolution in Mike's essay. However, he never fully answers this question for the reader, and here is where I think he ultimately fails. There is little else to recommend this review either, not even for creative entertainment. For instance, it would have been very clever indeed to make a play on the undoubtedly unintentional relationship between the band's name, "Charming Hostess" , and the album's name, "Eat". "Charming Hostess serves up a musical banquet for hearty appetites" . . . "Charming Hostess opens the feast with 'such and such' song as its appetizer" . . . "the "blankety-blank" is just the icing on the cake". He almost catches on with, "The resulting [*"blending is a musical concoction"* - my emphasis] that is just utterly infectious, intensely joyous, and totally addicting", but he doesn't pick up on his own cue. That sentence leads to my next unresolved question though: does the disc bear repeated listening? This too, I think, is of pressing concern to any reader who's wondering if he should part with his hard-earned cash, but alas, I wouldn't know from reading this useless review. He ends this complete disaster with "It all adds up to a glorious selection of songs in a hybrid so esoteric that one goggles at the sheer joy of the discovery." But is it good? He leaves us hanging with this question as well. I guess this review's only saving grace is the final period at the end. Sorry Mike: no soup for you.
Charming Hostess

<>Sleepytime Gorilla Museum<>
One of the most highly regarded bands in today's world of adventurous music is gaining attention at a breathtaking pace. They were too big as to not be in awe at the opportunity to engage in some intellectual repartee with the Jest-Master though! The following is an interview they had with JR, followed by part of an interview which appears in the current Expose, issue 23.

Jestersaurus Rex: So how did you come up with a name like "Sleepytime Gorilla Museum"?

Sleepytime Gorilla Museum: Well, we first considered a few other names that we thought were clever and unusual: The Beetles - note the use of the spelling of "beet" instead of "beat"! The Rolling Rocks, The Hoo, Lead Hindenburg, The Chinks . . . but all of these names were apparently too similar to names of other bands which we can't recall at the moment.

JR: So how did you come up with the name "Sleepytime Gorilla Museum"?

SGM: Well, we were pretty disappointed about not being able to use any of those other names because we thought they were all pretty hip, so we were kind of at a loss after that.

JR: So when did you come up with "Sleepytime Gorilla Museum"?

SGM: Shortly after we discovered we couldn't use the other names.

JR: Um . . . WHO came up with the name "Sleepytime Gorilla Museum" ?

SGM: We did.

JR: WHY did you choose the name "Sleepytime Gorilla Museum"?

SGM: We decided that we wanted something unusual; it had to be different and it had to have a deep meaning.

JR: So why "Sleepytime Gorilla Museum"?

SGM: Because it's unusual, different, and it has a deep meaning.

JR: What IS the deep meaning behind the name "Sleepytime Gorilla Museum"?

SGM: Oh shit - there's the Expose guys. Sorry, gotta go!

<>Well, no doubt the Expose guys will do almost as good a job as JR, so read this tasty tease of Sleepytime Gorilla Museum's interview from Expose issue 23 and learn about the primates behind the name, Sleepytime Gorilla Museum!

Since we first started seeing Sleepytime Gorilla Museum playing dates in the Bay Area a couple years ago, we've wanted to introduce them to the readers of Exposé. Few bands with no releases, and a totally avant-garde approach can draw the kind of audiences they did at that time. Perhaps it's because they are accessible, have a very visual oriented stage presence, and... because they flat out rock. Since that time we've seen them numerous times and each performance has outdone the one before it. Each member of the group has played in other noteworthy bands before this one: Bassist Dan Rathbun and guitarist Nils Frykdahl were both members of Idiot Flesh, and also - along with violinist Carla Kihlstedt, members of Charming Hostess. Carla is also a member of the acclaimed Tin Hat Trio. Percussionist Moe! Staiano has played with his Moe!kestra, and drummer Frank Grau is also the drummer/leader of Species Being. This year has seen them through two nationwide tours and the release of their debut CD Grand Opening and Closing. We had the opportunity to talk with 4/5 of the band in between rehearsals before their second nationwide tour. Here is some of what they had to say...

Expose: Would you say [you build instruments] so that you can try something different and experiment with different [sounds?]

Rathbun: Yeah. I've got a couple of new instruments in the works. I might even be able to show it to you. [Dan goes and gets more homemade instruments.] It's based on this sound here. [Dan flicks pieces of metal wires.] Anyway, I'm trying to get a whole scale of it. These are piano strings. Sometimes, they make a really nice sound, and other times. They're a little unpredictable, so that's one of my challenges to try and get a scale that sounds like pitches, but also sounds wacky enough. And then, of course, I'll have to mic it up somehow because it has to sound huge.

Expose: Did you put a pick-up in the toy piano that you play?

Rathbun: The toy piano actually amplifies really well. There's a place where you can put the pick-up that is almost completely independent of the body of the instrument, so that there's not much chance for feedback. So, you can really crank it up and distort it without it feeding back.

Kihlstedt: The Boogle (??) is sounding pretty massive as well.

Rathbun: Right. I've gotten pretty good at figuring out where to put these contact mics to capture the [sound properly.] I think that's everything from my instrument building.

Expose: Moe!'s got quite an arsenal too.

Rathbun: He's got a couple of spring bass things...

Expose: And a thing made from the caps from gas tank cylinders?

Rathbun: The funny thing about that is you just find one of these caps and it has a pitch. And it's really difficult to change the pitch. I tried grinding on one for a couple of hours and couldn't really change the pitch.

Expose: It has to do with the type of metal that's used, how thick it is.

Rathbun: Yeah, and so to get a whole set, we've just had to keep looking. And we still don't quite have an octave. We're missing an "A" still. So, if anyone has an "A" out there, we're really looking for one.

Kihlstedt: Do we have a "D" now?

Grau: Yeah, we got a "D" in Cincinnati. [Laughter.]

Frykdahl: Keep your "F#s!!"

Kihlstedt: Down in San Diego, I ran into a bunch of them, and they were all "Fs" and "F#s."

Rathbun: And we've got extras of those if anyone wants to trade. If anyone wants to give us their "A," we'll give them an "F#" that they can put back on their cylinder. While we're on the subject of Moe!, I' d like to say that one of the things that I loved about Moe! when I first saw him was not that he just had a collection of junk, but he had sets of junk. He had a set of 5 or 7 dinner plates that all had beautiful tones and he had little rubber things he would set them on. He'd made a set of that. And then he had the food service pans, and he had a set of those. Not just one or two, but a whole set. A set of tank tops. And then I got all excited and made him stands to put them on. But the fact that it's not just a random collection of stuff. These are instruments. They have a low note. They have a scale, even if it's not any kind of regular pitches.

Expose: He's also got some type of garage door spring or something?

Rathbun: A coil spring. And he puts that through his whammy pedal.

Expose: That starts off "Powerless" doesn't it?

Kihlstedt: That's Dan.

Rathbun: That's the piano-bass. That's sliding the piano-bass pick-up back and forth hitting a harmonic on it.

Expose: Really. It sounds similar to the spring.

Frykdahl: It has a really sharp high end and then this huge low end, but it's got a really short little attack. The whole middle of the note is like, "Huh? Where is it?" because there's so many overtones going on.

If you'd like to read the rest of this fascinating interview (and what self-respecting anthropod wouldn't?), go to Expose or The Artist Shop and get yourself a prescription!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Section 2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I gathered me also silver and gold and particular treasures: I gat me men singers and women singers, and musical instruments. And whatsoever mine eyes desired I kept not from them. I withheld not my heart from any joy." Eccles II

"Amazing French album from 1978 that combined the strengths of other French symphonic groups like Shylock and Ange into a darkly futuristic and aggressive blend."

"Often considered a classic, I find the album to lack focus in too many places, especially in the improvised closer which seems to begin and end again in a few places."

<>This guy is gonna lack some focus after I dot his eyes out for brazenly criticizing this disc!

<>Birdsongs of The Mesozoic<>
<>Ah, the Mesozoic! This brings back memories folks, of that raw, fertile, pre-Paleozoic period of innocence and artistic discovery!
Birdsongs of The Mesozoic

<>Deadwood Forest<>
<>An unfortunate tendency for prog listeners is to spend a lot of time and money on the many classics from the past while virtually ignoring the vital new bands of the present. As a result, new bands can suffer financially to the point of extinction. Don't make this band a case in point. Deadwood Forest suffers doubly so due to recent infiltrations by the pileated woodpecker. It's only a matter of time before the chickadees and bats move in so support them while you can!
Deadwood Forest

<>Déjà vu<>
"A little-known progressive from Norway . . . calling Deja Vu a cross between Deep Purple and Yes wouldn't be too far off."
Déjà vu

"Lightwave are the kings of nocturnal noises - the creaky door, the fleeting, wailing banshee, the shockingly loud bump in the night, [a loud snore from the guest room, gunshots from the alley below, the distant flush of a toilet], the random modular bleeps."

<>Miles Davis<>
<>Proving once again that we are the masters of obscurity, check out this dude: "Miles Davis" (LOL!)!
Miles Davis

<>Scott Mosher<>
"You know, there are quite a few good things I could say about Scott Mosher's Virtuality, but before I do so, I gotta get something out the way": [BEEEEELLLLLLCH!!!]
Scott Mosher

<>Pain of Salvation<>
<>Kind of like my car accident before I was saved. My head STILL hurts.
Pain of Salvation

"It's a whirlwind journey and worth every listening second. A still unknown classic and now everyone has a chance to be a part of it."

<>Think equal parts Anglagard and Abba . . . OK, whatever it REALLY sounds like can't be as bad as what you're expecting.

<>Soniq Theater<>
<>Schmoniq Schmeater.
Soniq Theater

<>In which Jestersaurus acknowledges the existence of Pansy Prog. And who better to introduce it than Mr Dr Rob LaDuca, the pansy prof!

<>Universe Zero<>
"You can shoot me now."

<>Yea! This is more fun than I ever imagined!
Universe Zero

<>Leah Waybright<>
"To top off the exquisite music, the album comes with a small, hardcover book featuring painted scenes involving each flower, and a brief history of the flower written by Waybright."

<>Sounds like just the treatment Cannibal Corpse should have used for their Tomb of the Mutilated album. One imagines the paintings that might be inspired by titles such as, Hammer Smashed Face, I cum Blood, Addicted to Vaginal Skin, Split Wide Open, Necropedophile, The Cryptic Stench, Entrails Ripped From A Virgins Cunt, Post Mortal Ejaculation, Beyond The Cemetery. Suitable for framing, I'd say!
Leah Waybright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Section 3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So they did eat, and were well filled: for He gave them their own desire; they were not estranged from their lust. But while their meat was yet in their mouths, the wrath of God came upon them, and slew the fattest of them, and smote down the chosen men of Israel." Psalms 78:29-31.

And here's a bunch of pages that probably have more junk added since the last time you looked at them:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Letters~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr Jestersaurus,
I'm glad to see you've discovered God. There's something heartening about a despicable creature like you finding salvation and changing his ways for good. The only problem is that heaven is for humans, because God only made *man* in His image. You are however, still welcome and encouraged to remain a practicing Christian!

Nitpicking Jackass For Jesus

Dear Mr Nitpicking Jackass For Jesus,

1. God made man in His image.
2. You are what you eat.
3. See you in paradise!


Dear Mr Jestersaurus,
I'm in a pickle. I didn't get my husband any Christmas presents because he's probably the most difficult person to buy for. His only hobby is prog, and he has every disc imaginable. What can I get him that he definitely won't have?

Mrs Tom Hayes

Dear Mrs Tom Hayes,
One thing he definitely won't have is friends and co-workers who share his passion for music. What your husband would love more than anything is for these people to understand his interest, and more important, to have the great respect for it that it deserves. What you should do is arrange a surprise party. Invite all his family, friends, and co-workers, and rent a large screen television. When all have arrived, you'll present the centerpiece of the party and of prog: a video of Rick Wakeman's King Arthur on Ice! I think I can say with all confidence that this would be a moment he'll never forget!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~Jestersaurus Clergy~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Mac Beaulieu ~ Hellfire and Brimstone
Brother Mike McLatchey ~ Taste-Tester of the Golden Goblet
Deacon Dirk Evans ~ Replenishing of the Golden Goblet
Altar Boy Peter Thelen ~ Serving of the Golden Goblet

. . . and there was much rejoicing

Gnosis Writers Staff
Expose Writers Staff

Jestersaurus is a satirical newsletter published by The Gnosis Project. Jestersaurus uses invented names in some of its material. Exceptions include cases in which public figures and other individuals are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The content of this newsletter--graphics, text and other elements--is copyright (c) The Gnosis Project, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Jestersaurus is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.